25 February 2019
I remember the date 25 February 2018, when I decided to take a leap and go for a diving session after 8 years, so I could take the course of a certified diver in the coming days. Everything was in place – where to do the course from, how many days, vacation was all signed and transfers were in place. That Sunday, my off day started with a gym session then diving, what an experience it was and especially in the vast Indian ocean. I made sure that the instructor knew my concern while under water and kept me close. But once I started seeing the octopus ad several fish, my mind had calmed down, the life under water was something else. It made me wonder if we were the ones trapped on land in the middle of this majestic Indian Ocean or was it the fish as it seems? Either ways, we both had our space and were in our own worlds.
In one day how much one can achieve is really amazing and that’s what I like about planning the day. Once back, I had a yoga photo session with a professional, as my practice had improved a lot and I felt more flexible than ever. There is something about the camera that could go either ways, you shy off or shine and my body knew what it wanted, the poses said it all. The best ones are already on my Insta account with a quote that best describe the pose and my hope for positive state of mind.
Came evening and I was all relaxed with my cup of tea, playing with the new ring on my finger that I bought as a souvenir to remind me of the diving experience and my learning from here on. It was a mermaid that lay calmly in a yoga pose, how perfect and relevant was that. I called it the ‘happy mermaid that looked like a peaceful yogi. There were few comments on the Insta post of the ring from some known and unknown who encouraged this move of mine and for the first time, I realised my dad was on Insta when he commented, “Chase your dreams – they are achievable. Nothing is beyond the horizon”. Wow! I was surprised and happy at the same time, as firstly I didn’t know he was on Insta 🙂 and secondly he never praised in public, his words meant a lot.
As all good things come to an end, so did this day and I promised to keep my spirits high and stay focused on my wellness, as I set the alarm for 4am, my regular time to wake up and head to the gym at 5am before a team building session at 8am. Morning came, alarm rang and I jumped out of bed ready to take what this day brought. Gym time is always magical and inspiring, it’s ‘me’ time. For some people it is a distraction; for me it is meditation, no matter the intense. An hour of sweat and hard work was worth as recently others had started noticing the change in my physical appearance that meant what I was doing was working and as they say, first you see the difference then the world sees it. I saw it few days ago, the fitter me and now people had started to comment. This was the fearless me! Being fit also means that you have conquered your fears, have more control on your emotions and more importantly there is this underlining power to face the world, in a great way, not arrogance or ego, just by being yourself.
While every team building started with stretching and teaming up for a beach volleyball game, this one was at the football court where we stretched and as usual teamed up, but this time the game and rules had changed. I looked around and there were maybe 5-7 ladies while the others were all men ready for a friendly attack. With a great one-hour warm up and stretch already in the gym, I was ready to face what came next, enjoying sports as always. I remember my childhood days of playing football with the boys including one of my brothers, being the only girl in the team. Then again in Dubai, playing with the boys in various hotel jobs that I had over 12 years. And now today, at this field, I was once again present to enjoy the sport and team spirit. It was all fun until one guy was on the ground with my attacking skills and we had a great laugh, but before I knew, I was on the ground again while tackling another guy and heard my knee click to the right. Ok, that’s usual I thought, brush yourself up and keep going as they say, so I continued as we had won the first game and this was the second one. In the end, we always team up and do some mental exercises by writing our thoughts on paper as a team. At that very moment, it hit me that something was seriously wrong, as I couldn’t sit on the ground, I couldn’t settle anymore. We finished shortly, went home showered but still the pain was bad, went to work and once I sat, OMG! Just like that, I couldn’t get up, tough to explain in words but the best explanation is to keep it to minimum, as the pain was excruciating. By the end of the day, I knew the damage was huge and while I tried to make it back to the ground level, one step at a time, I was gone.. mentally, emotionally and physically. It was past working hours so not many people around and I thought, if I just walk one step at a time, I can make it to the clinic to show my knee to the doctor. With emotions flowing and all my mind could say.. shit shit shit (sorry for the honest words!), I was doomed, with unstoppable tears. I stood on the road, looked at the clinic and thought about “what just happened’.
In 6 days, the pain hadn’t subsided, limping had become my new style of walking and the knee was still swollen. I knew one thing for sure that the bones were fine as I was able to walk or hop, but ligament seemed damaged so I took a ride on my day off to the city for an x-ray, rightfully so the doctor confirmed that bones were fine. In the coming days, I hoped and prayed for the knee to settle down so all can be well, I did what I was supposed to do and needless to say NO EXERCISE, it felt like I was being tested on my will power to the extreme. This too shall pass I thought, after all how bad can it be. I was soon proved wrong as I took a flight to Dubai after 4 weeks and no improvement, to show my knee to the sports specialist. I still remember the time I walked in and he had a look at my knee, before I could say more; his one expression said it all, what would come next wasn’t good news I felt. After a check and MRI it seemed I had damaged my Medial Collateral Ligament (MCL) and possibly posterior meniscus too. What does that even mean I thought? These were far too big names for me to find a solution and move on with. Then he explained more about the injury and more importantly, after hearing about my 10 marathons in 6 years, I absorbed the fact that my right knee had no cartilage as well. Is that why I had seldom pain in my knees when I used to run crazy kms on a day off when in Dubai, like 25 to 35kms every Friday? What about my left knee then, is it the same there too? I know I ignored the pain then as I was more focused on the next marathon and the next and the next, as every 3 months in the last 3 years of running, I had one signed up as my next challenge and motivation to keep running. For those who are from running world, know exactly what I mean and for those who don’t run, all I can say is that it’s an addiction, once you start you cannot and will not stop unless something physically, mentally or emotionally takes you away from the line or if someone deliberately switches off your alarm to avoid you from waking up at 4am daily. After hearing that I had been using my left leg, the doctor wasn’t happy as he told me that due to the 4-week time frame in coming to him and while using my left leg all this time, I had lost all the muscles around my right knee and now recovery would take longer. This also had an impact on my hip alignment. I mean, how do you not use the other leg when you are in pain?
Earlier I mentioned about the vacation I was going to take for the underwater diving course, transformed into the vacation that I took for medical reasons. Of course, everything was cancelled the day this injury happened, as I was supposed to do the course in then 2 days. It’s really tough to explain all the thoughts I had even while I was sitting in the MRI as they scanned my leg for around 45 minutes. I wasn’t allowed to move even an inch else we would have to do the entire scan again, thanks to the angel next to me, who supported me in all ways possible by simply being there. What this did to my fitness levels was unexplainable, however when I was still on the island the support I got from everyone around was remarkable. From trips back and forth to work, home-made oils to rub on the knee and even healthy supplements to support the injury were well received. One of the islander working with me wanted to take me to his local island to show the knee to a medicine practitioner (similar to an Ayurveda doctor, all herbal) and during our visit, the lady wrapped my knee for 3 days, with ingredients I couldn’t understand. She didn’t speak English and I didn’t speak their language still, however there was a faith in the silence between us, the faith that she will fix me and I will walk again. But with the Dubai trip and me falling short of patience, I thought best to find out medically and technically what the damage was, then putting all of this to end with the course of treatment so that soon I shall aim to be back in my fitness and wellness. I had a target in mind, to be my fitter best and commit to just that. I was so close…
Fast forward, back to Dubai where I met the sports specialist and he suggested a surgery, wait what??? No, I have never had one I thought so where is this coming from and why? He explained more, apparently it is a casual procedure where they put a plate between joints that acts as a gel to avoid friction. It all seemed normal and a 15-minute process but it is SURGERY! Am not ready for that, so I wanted to seek opinion of those who could perhaps guide me. I made some calls, messages, reached out to some of my running buddies in the group in Dubai. While most of them agreed that there should be another way, some simply asked me to go through the surgery as the only way out. Then I thought of the Herbal Centre where I used to teach yoga over weekends during my days in Dubai, as I could and did trust the Director who is a Doctor too. This was already after seeking another opinion from a recommended doctor, who had completely turned around the MRI report and said I had enough cartilage pointing at the same MRI report. I even went to Mumbai after few months to have another opinion on the same and the doctor there suggested an injection every 6 months. Whom do you trust?
Anyways, the Herbal Doctor had reviewed the reports I had sent earlier and when I met her, she examined the knee and what she said next made me feel even more confident. Her understanding that there’s a possibility of no cartilage in my left knee as well made me smile in a satisfying way as till now, no one was thinking on those lines. She suggested physio sessions as well as acupuncture and a big NO to running, not for some time but forever. She asked me if I wanted to consider surgery or injections, I said no and her feedback was that I had to be patient then as the recovery could take up to a year. WHAT!! I thought, how can something so small like this develop into something so big? Was it a good thing I had that hit, so I could see the deeper damage that wouldn’t have surfaced otherwise? My mind and heart weren’t ready to accept this and definitely not my physical health. But I had no choice, or rather I had some choices but I opted for the natural course, promised to keep my knee of trouble. I had to focus on the bigger picture – out of fitness for a year or rest for the rest of my life? We did some acupuncture sessions whenever I could in Dubai and seeing the swelling go down had given me more hope in the coming weeks and for the first time I felt better. The next few months had its ups and downs for sure, as I would watch those around heading to the gym, doing yoga, working out, participating in runs, triathlons on the island, running, playing sports and I exempted myself from all of this, as I just couldn’t. This is a punishment I didn’t sign up for, I didn’t even do anything wrong to deserve this. Was this really how it would be now, I would often think, is this it? End of my wellness life, my passion, craziness to be fit and make others fit, my future? I even spoke to few others who had similar injuries from playing football and all they said is, “yeah it is a tricky sport, stay away”, or that they are limping for life after surgery, this was really demotivating. It was like someone wanted to know how badly I wanted my health back. In all of this my family and close friends have been a great support even though not next to me, their regular messages and calls kept me going. In the months that followed, I had tears in the night, pain at times while sleeping along with momentary thoughts that ruled my life. I still made it to work every day with a brave face, attended events that needed my presence, just not being myself instead a person who was ticking the boxes of what was expected. I was losing who I am and what I had wanted to build all this time. The reality is, after a while everyone gets busy in their own world and no one has the time or energy to hear you every day. Not that I would tell stories, I generally keep my emotions to myself but I could see that no one could help me in any way, it was all up to me. I vividly remember the day I tried a head stand at home before going to sleep. Going upside down and staying there was my biggest achievement after 3 months of daily falls, since the time I began the journey of yoga, Ayurveda and simple living almost 2 years ago. And guess what, I couldn’t, sitting on the yoga mat, I broke down. What can I do to fix this? Besides being patient, what small steps can I take to work on my emotional and mental strength?
Months passed and the knee improved a lot, as if someone was listening to me as I prayed for health and wellness. Life was coming back, I made my way to the gym with the instructor and we were careful of the exercises that could hurt. And just when all was good, life was great; another injury on my left toe that left it bleeding profusely took my strength away… What the hell!!! I still made it to my afternoon session of the gym after a wrap from the doctor on my toes, as this time I wasn’t giving up at any cost. But once back to work, just like that it started bleeding again, a lot; so much so that the doctor had to come to my desk and wrap my toe. My tears were uncontrollable as the doctor pressed it so hard that I felt destroyed from outside this time. Hopping was back and the comments of those around “I haven’t seen you walk straight in a year now!” were a blow. I must admit this wasn’t as bad as the knee injury, but this took daily clean-ups and no gym again for 2 weeks or so.
Long time ago in my life, I stopped questioning ‘WHY did this happen to me’ and started focusing on WHY NOT followed by HOW to fix it. This is my approach on a personal level while at work we still believe in the WHY J
And today, it is exactly one year since the incident, while I have not 100% recovered from the knee injury, I would say I am 95% there without any surgery or injection, touch wood! This one year has taught me a lot, how to keep calm in situations out of our control, not to fight all battles, know yourself, be grateful for what we have, spend more time with those close who will lift you when you need it the most no matter the distance but above all, be a giver! Give love, time, kindness, respect so you can get it back even when you don’t expect anything in return, it is the law of the universe. As we all write our life story, it doesn’t need to be all flowery or all painful, every day may not be good but there is something good in every day. In short, we are where we are supposed to be, I now highly talk about #gratitude and practice it every day too. Before I sleep, I thank god for the day, once I am up, before I leave for work I thank him for the day and promise to make it a good one, every time I leave the gym or finish a yoga session, I thank him for the practice, I even kiss my knee as a thank you, after a deep yoga session (sometimes).
What changed? Nothing really, I am the same, with the same goals in life, same or maybe now more passion for what I believe in. Then what happened? Time happened.. It is the best healer, I started taking out time for myself, going back to knowing who I am, what I wanted, spent more time doing tasks that showed short term results, small achievements, followed the best way of learning from the experts by reading books again, using YouTube every morning when walking to work and back filling my brain with positivity for a promising future. I could finally learn again and talk to people that formed my strength by simply being myself. Once I was stronger mentally and emotionally, the physical aspect came along. Body has a way of healing itself so no matter how much we fight with it or for it, our body will always do what it has to do, it is the mind we have to control so it sends the right signals for performance.
Be thankful what is already yours, start the day with I AM gratitude, what you think is what you believe, think I AM STRONG, you will be strong, think I AM BLESSED, and blessings will come your way. Heard this in another amazing YouTube video. There is so much out there, it’s like the universe wants us to benefit from all the resources offered but we restrict ourselves due to walls that we built and roads that only we can cross over. So what stops us? Commitments, our current roles, situations, limitations.. I get it all but there must be something we can do to take that first step towards living our dreams and passion, but before that we need to know what our passion is, but before that we need to know who we are. Life is a journey no doubt with its ups and downs, but we all have a purpose and once we define that for ourselves, it is the path we need to create and follow.
The most recent book I read that brought back one of my key habits of waking up at 4am is Robin Sharma’s best-selling book “The 5am Club”. He is one of my favourite authors and I have a good collection of reads like Monk who sold his Ferrari, Who will cry when you Die, Leader with no Title and a few I am still to read like The Saint, The Surfer and the CEO. There was a time I used to read every book twice, first time was to read it for the first time and second time was to pick what I missed the first time or to deeply absorb the story. So now I am reading The 5am Club for the second time. This book is really amazing, a must read! The story and book has been passed to few close, so I can share what I learnt even though I know their learning will be different from mine. This is the beauty of reading or learning. Same teacher can teach 50 students in a class, in the case of a book let’s say 500,000 people (readers), and each of them will have their own version of what they learnt. As I read each page, I made some notes and copied some quotes, the best one that describes this journey of mine as: “Tomorrow is a bonus, not a right”. Thank you for spreading the joy of living and believing in oneself .. Own your morning, elevate your life.
